My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
