Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's blow job season.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
