i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
