Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
