Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
