the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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