It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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