Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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