it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
