Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
