one two three fourrrrnication!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
