Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
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I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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