Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
