I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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