If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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