Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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