I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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