Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
