So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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