I like my sex mixed with concussions.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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