Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Where is the hickey?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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