i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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