There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
