I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and she was petting her beer can
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
