i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
