you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
