I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she peed on how many people?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
