hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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