maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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