Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize