Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
