I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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