i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just want to make out with him forever
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
