I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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