He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
