Quick, to the slutcave!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
