He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
