First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
