I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
