just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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