Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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