if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
