i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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