the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
