the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
