Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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