dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You ruined the universe
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