I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
