she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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