We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
