The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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