Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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