just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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