Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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