And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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