i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
