I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did we literally take a cab across the street
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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