Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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