my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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