my shit smells like andre
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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